I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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