There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
