i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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