Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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