My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
