last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
