i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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