Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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