hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize