I think im going to throw up on grandma
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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