Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
