Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
