Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
