I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize