he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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