I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
