the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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