You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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