Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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