I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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