Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
