do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
