its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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