True but thats because hes a fetus.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
