you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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