I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
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