hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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