highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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