closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
