I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
