i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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