I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
