a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
