The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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