GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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