Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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