I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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