My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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