i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize