tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
