Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
