I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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