Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
