my phone needs a breathalizer
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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