This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
