I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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