I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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