Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
