did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
When are your genitals available?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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