Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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