I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
