its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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