You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
