all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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