I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
