what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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