I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
