I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
