i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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