wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
