you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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